Thursday, July 15, 2010


Okay, I'll admit it: I have trust issues. Not with other people, but with myself. For years--decades now--I've had difficulty trusting in myself, believing myself to be worthy of good things in life.

And now, as the one-year anniversary of my brother's suicide approaches, I find myself losing faith in happiness. I wish that I found it easier to enjoy just being happy, rather than waiting for the other shoe to drop. Intellectually, I know that the sum of a person's worth (and the value of a person's life) is the entirety of that person's character and life choices, rather than individual traits or events. But knowing this and making myself believe it are often two different things.

Instead, I seem to dwell on the bad things while forgetting the good. I view the good things in my life as being the result of luck, while in my mind, the bad things are the direct result of mistakes I must have made. I'm such a perfectionist, but since I know that I'm bound to make mistakes, I feel that I'm bound to suffer for these errors of judgement. And so I feel as though I sit, waiting for karma to catch up with me, waiting for the next loss.

No comments:

Post a Comment